deep sigh...

Nagging at me all day yesterday was the fact that A's being a manipulative pain in the butt and not allowing me to see Drake because she and S are having big trouble...I really wanted to see the little dude, of course, and I feel anxiety about what's happening. On the other hand, I really don't want to play into A's dramas. She and S have things to work out. Drake and I are innocent victims of her bizarre idea of justice or power. Unfortunately what she wants is what counts when she decides to keep us apart. How can I be a grandma if I can't even see the kid??? Since she's so mercurial I figure that this won't last all that long, but I HATE it. Which she knows, of course. What I decide to do needs to be because I'm being me... not because I have a reaction to the stuff she's pulling. The question is, who do I want to be? No, who am I?

Am I crazy and manipulative, too? No. Am I upset? Yes. What do I do with that? I don't want to be part of any battles, arguments, skirmishes and unpleasant crap. My vision is of a bunch of people who can love a little kid enough to get along. Is that a dream? Now, it is, but it doesn't have to JUST be a dream...right?

A's killing herself with drinking and wild stuff. I feel sick sick sick about her. I love her and always will. I hate to see her self-destruct. I hate to see all the pain and wreckage she leaves in her wake as well.

mop & Drake 4/30/06

mop & Drake 4/30/06
Originally uploaded by ex posto facto.

Still at the cemetery. We're both taking some comfort from what works for us.

at the cemetery

at the cemetery
Originally uploaded by ex posto facto.

Drake and I had some good time together yesterday. I know some people might think it's inconsiderate and inappropriate to have a baby at the cemetery, but taking Drake with me to visit Jeff's grave was better for me. Jeff would have been 24 last week and his birthday prompted my visit. His gravestone is still there, the words still tug at my heart (IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER and those awful, final dates) but the place seemed empty to me, even though it was busier than it's been the last several times I've gone there. When Jeff first died, it seemed that he was there with me when I visited. Not so much now. Also, Drake is a distraction that keeps me from focusing on my sadness and getting all wrapped up in it again. I think this is a good thing. Not that I didn't feel it at all. I cried a little when I told Drake a few things about the uncle he'll never meet. He wasn't very interested in my conversation (no surprise) and very interested in the trees, flowers and birds that were everywhere. We wandered a few lovely paths by the stream (not kid friendly, so I held his hand to be sure he didn't wander over the edge of the path into the water he was so fascinated in. He DID NOT LIKE HOLDING HANDS!) I carried him a lot. The kid is HEAVY! He's also getting to be a ham when he sees the camera come out! He wants to hold the camera and he thinks it would be a good idea to put it in his mouth. Holding is ok, but I was leery of how much drool the little Kodak could take. He likes to argue. Sigh... He'll be a natural at the terrible twos.