deep sigh...

Nagging at me all day yesterday was the fact that A's being a manipulative pain in the butt and not allowing me to see Drake because she and S are having big trouble...I really wanted to see the little dude, of course, and I feel anxiety about what's happening. On the other hand, I really don't want to play into A's dramas. She and S have things to work out. Drake and I are innocent victims of her bizarre idea of justice or power. Unfortunately what she wants is what counts when she decides to keep us apart. How can I be a grandma if I can't even see the kid??? Since she's so mercurial I figure that this won't last all that long, but I HATE it. Which she knows, of course. What I decide to do needs to be because I'm being me... not because I have a reaction to the stuff she's pulling. The question is, who do I want to be? No, who am I?

Am I crazy and manipulative, too? No. Am I upset? Yes. What do I do with that? I don't want to be part of any battles, arguments, skirmishes and unpleasant crap. My vision is of a bunch of people who can love a little kid enough to get along. Is that a dream? Now, it is, but it doesn't have to JUST be a dream...right?

A's killing herself with drinking and wild stuff. I feel sick sick sick about her. I love her and always will. I hate to see her self-destruct. I hate to see all the pain and wreckage she leaves in her wake as well.